Reflections and information on Parentification- By Kathryn N (Changes member and volunteer)

by | Nov 19, 2024 | Uncategorized

Parentification
What is parentification?
Parentification has often been mentioned in our groups by members as something that has impacted them.  Parentification is when the family roles are reversed and the child can appear more like the parent taking on a nurturing or supportive role to their parents.  In some cases it could mean a child parenting and looking after their parent, or being treated as an emotional support or confidant, or it could mean a child having to do the majority of the household chores and management or parenting their siblings.  This is usually because the parent or parents are absent, physically (e.g. due to a physical illness or health condition) or mentally (e.g. due to addiction or mental illness) unable to fulfil their parental responsibilities and do not have sufficient support for themselves, or puts too much responsibility onto the child for some other reason.
Types of parentification
Parentification can be more obvious with instrumental parentification or sexual parentification or can be more subtle with emotional parentification.
  • Instrumental Parentification
    This is where a child is expected to take on a practical role helping with tasks such as household chores, managing household finances, or looking after their siblings.  This can impact a child’s time, their capacity for school and learning, or being able to participate in childhood play activities.  It is normal for children to have some chores to be able to learn about responsibilities and how to do things and be able to look after themselves later in adult life.  However it becomes parentification when there is the expectation of responsibility beyond what is age appropriate.
  • Sexualized Parentification
    This occurs when a child is expected to take on sexual roles or responsibilities which could mean being exposed to sexual content or behaviour, or taking on the role of a parent or spouse for a parent.
  • Emotional Parentification
    Emotional parentification can be more subtle and go unrecognised by those involved.  It may be that the child becomes a mediator and peacemaker between parents who argue, or protecting siblings from the arguing, or could be if a parent treats the child like an equal and confides in them as if they were an adult.  These are just a couple of examples but it essentially is putting the expectation of emotional responsibility beyond what is age appropriate.
Impacts of Parentification
Parentified children seen to be taking on extra responsibilities by their parents or by others may be praised for these behaviours and said to be being “mature for their age” or “grown up” but as a result they may miss the negative impacts of this.  Parentification is a form of abuse as it prevents a child from having a healthy childhood and forces them to take on responsibilities beyond those that are age appropriate.  Children are still trying to figure out their own emotions and responses and their own identities so when parentified they are instead prioritising their parents’ emotions, moods and responses and neglect understanding their own.
  • Isolation
    Not being able to have time to go to school or play with other children can be isolating and have an impact on developing social skills, making friends and feeling included.  It can be a very lonely place.
  • Stress 
    Parentified children have to deal with complex issues or situations that are beyond expectations for their age, such as looking after a sick parent or one that has misused substances, or having to make difficult decisions for the household or their parents.  It is a lot of pressure for a child and can create a fear of getting it wrong or making the wrong decision which will be very stressful and a heavy burden for young shoulders.
  • Emotional confusion
    Having to hear and hold adult conversations about a parent’s feelings, emotions and secrets can take it’s toll on a child.  Children are still trying to learn about and understand their own feelings and emotions but if they are having to hold those of an adult which they don’t understand this could be very confusing and overwhelming.  It could mean that there is no space left for them to process their own feelings.
  • No sense of self
    If a child’s priority is to protect their parents or siblings it is likely that their needs become neglected.  Trying to avoid upsetting their parents or getting things wrong they will behave in the way they feel is expected and not how they want to.  In the long term this can result in losing themselves or not knowing who they are, what their likes and dislikes are and what their real personality is like because they are having to be the adult carer despite being a child.
  • Difficulties setting boundaries
    Boundary setting is needed for all healthy relationships but this can be difficult after years of prioritising other people’s needs and not considering your own.  With no healthy examples of healthy boundary setting from the adults around the parentified child, growing up it can be difficult to know what healthy boundaries should look like.
  • Anxiety & Perfectionism
    Spending so much time walking on eggshells and trying to please their parents for fear of consequences from getting things wrong can lead to a parentified child developing an anxiety disorder and/or perfectionism.  This can continue into adulthood if it is not addressed which could result in some unhealthy expectations of themselves.
  • Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
    People who are highly sensitive have a more sensitive nervous system and are highly empathic being able to sense the feelings of others.  Parentification can have a significant impact on individuals who identify as highly sensitive heightening the impact of these sensitivities and their feelings of responsibility for others and guilt, and can make being around violence and shouting even more overwhelming.  Being a Parentified HSP can make boundary setting even harder.
  • People Pleasing
    Spending years of putting others first, caring for others and trying to avoid negative responses could result in developing people pleasing tendencies.  While it is ok to want to make others happy if it results in self neglect or is a person’s main priority or response it is not healthy.  People pleasing can lead to being taken advantage of by others and being in unhealthy or controlling relationships.
All of these issues mentioned above can be carried through life into adulthood if they aren’t addressed and can impact relationships (family relationships, friendships and romantic relationships) where people pleasing, lack of boundaries and not looking out for your own needs can result in attracting the wrong kind of people or causing a breakdown of relationships preventing them from becoming healthy ones.
Managing the Impacts
When you have identified this as something you have experienced it is a good idea to address the impacts so that you can take care of yourself properly.  Here are some ways that you can help manage the effects:
  • Therapy
    Receiving professional help from a therapist with knowledge of parentification can help you identify and work through the impacts of your experiences and develop coping strategies to improve your quality of life.
  • Name your feelings
    Learn to recognise and name your feelings and emotions.  Feel your emotions and sit with them whatever they are, learn to feel your feelings and when you are ready you can try understanding where those feelings come from, it is important to connect with your feelings and this may be something that you haven’t learned to do.  As you become more in touch with your feelings and emotions the easier it will be to process them and enjoy the good feelings and let go of negative feelings once processed.
  • Find yourself
    When you are a carer, and especially if this has been from a young age, it can be hard to know who you are outside of this role.  Even if you continue to have caring responsibilities it is important to know who you are outside of this role.
  • Practice self care
    Make time to look after your emotional and physical needs.  Eat well, sleep well, and find time to bring yourself joy, if you don’t know what things they are take the time to experiment and try new things. Try to have fun with self exploration.
  • Set boundaries
    Find some balance between being there for others and putting yourself first.  You may not be used to setting boundaries but they are important.  Think about what you want and what you need, are you ever in a situation that feels uncomfortable?  What could you do or change to make it feel more comfortable?  This could help you identify what boundaries would be helpful for you.  It can be hard to be assertive if you aren’t used to it, find someone you trust and have a practice with them.
  • Connect with others
    Connection is important, your experiences may mean that you haven’t had a lot of connections in your past due to your parents or siblings taking all your physical and emotional energy but it is important that you have friendships and connections outside of you circle of responsibility.  Join support groups where the members have relatable lived experience, join social groups where you can have a common interest, make time to connect with friends either in person or virtually by phone, video or text.
  • Educate yourself
    Learning about parentification and the impacts of it can help you understand your experiences and also learn about strategies to work through and cope with the impacts.
It’s important to remember that you are worthy of having your own identity and support to take control of your life.
Here are the reference articles for more reading if you wish: