Changes Member and Volunteer Kathryn N has shared the below resources with us, on the topics of Self care vs Self comfort, Super helper syndrome , Crisis of control and 5 ways to diffuse a situation.
Thank you Kathryn for sharing these with us and our members. We hope they can provide support or a different perspective on each of the topics.
Changes also has modules on different topics that you can access at any time here
1) Self comfort vs self care
Often people talk about self care and how important it is, especially as someone who has experienced mental health difficulties, you need to look after yourself before you can was look after other people. But do we know the difference between self-care and self-comfort?
Self-comfort is important for providing immediate relief when you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed but self-care is about making choices to support your physical and mental health longer term. Both self-comfort and self-care have their place in creating a happy you but it is important to be aware of the differences to ensure that you can take care of yourself properly.
Self-comfort can be soothing, a distraction, a comfort, such as scrolling on the internet or a favourite snack, and while it has its place for temporary relief it can be a bit like putting a plaster on a broken bone because it doesn’t deal with the underlying reasons for your feelings to provide lasting healing impact. It may be that you aren’t sure what is causing your feelings so light relief is what is within your reach, but if you can recognise the difference you may be more able to reach for self-care tools to help you understand yourself and help yourself longer term.
Self-care often requires more conscious effort but it is important to develop habits that support your overall wellbeing. Maybe doing a meditation instead of scrolling the internet, or bulk cooking so you have healthy nutritious meals readily available instead of reaching for fast food, having a therapy session, an open conversation with friends, or journalling instead of bottling up your feelings and drinking excessive alcohol or burying yourself in work.
If you are struggling to identify the difference, ask yourself if you feel better after the activity or is it just in the moment? Are you conscious of the time you are spending doing the activity or has time run away with you? What are the lasting benefits of these activities? It can be good to take time out and switch off but if this happens every time you are trying to do self-care you may need to rethink your wellbeing toolkit and activities. If we aren’t careful, avoidance can lead to anxiety which can then lead to more avoidance and negatively impact our mental wellbeing.
Self-care isn’t always easy and can sometimes even be difficult, it isn’t a quick fix but consistency is key and remember YOU ARE WORTH IT! Over time you will gradually see positive changes and hopefully provide encouragement to prioritise yourself and increase your feelings of self worth.
Some suggestions for self-care include:
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Setting boundaries
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Planning & preparing nutritious meals & snacks
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Connecting with yourself, your feelings, and your inner child through creativity and play
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Surround yourself with authentic people who support you by listening or encouraging you
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Find reasons to laugh, even starting with a pretend laugh can have a positive impact
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Talk about and explore your feelings, or journal if you don’t have anyone to talk to that you trust.
You can make your own “toolkit” of activities to support your self-care that you can refer to while you are building routines or in moments when you are struggling to remember or think of them. Personalising them will make them more appealing and easier to achieve.
See here for the full Happiful article: Am I practising self-care or self-comfort?
2) Super helper syndrome
When listening to each others stories in meetings we often hear of people putting other people’s needs before their own. While this may be necessary in some circumstances, if this is consistently the case it is likely it is at the detriment to your own needs and desires. It may be that you are so used to doing this for other people that your needs get pushed further and further down your priorities.
Do you feel the driving need to help others, often putting their needs before your own? If so, you may have Super-helper syndrome. It is not a medical condition but is a combination of emotions and behaviours of a person that could have a negative impact on them.
Prioritising others could mean that you sacrifice healthy meals in favour of quick less nutritious meals because it takes less time, or regularly skipping commitments or plans you had made because someone asked you to do something for them instead, or overcommitting to things even though you are already struggling with other demands. If this is happening to you, there is a real risk of burnout and this will mean you will be unable to help yourself or others.
There are different reasons why people become Super-helpers but for many of us the most likely reason is either a lack of self-worth if your view of yourself is dependent on the opinion of others, or boundary issues where you feel that you are the only person who can help or that others needs are more important than you own.
It is important to understand that it is not selfish to prioritise your needs and wants, it is vital because if you don’t look after yourself then who will? As we often say in our meetings, you cannot pour from an empty pot and therefore you must fill your own pot first.
If you think you might be a super-helper ask yourself these questions:
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Are you the first person everyone asks for help?
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Do you struggle to say no (or feel guilty) when someone asks for help?
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Do you put others needs before your own?
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Do you struggle to say what you need and feel guilty if you want to put your needs over someone else’s?
You may find that you feel exhausted, resentful, taken advantage of, or too self-critical. You are worth more than this. Helping others is a good thing but as with many things in life, “all things in moderation” because there is only one you and you need to look after yourself too.
It is important to find balance and prioritise your needs (take a look at Self-Care items above). It doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t help others but that looking after yourself and your needs are equally as important as someone else’s needs.
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Put “you time” in your diary as a commitment to yourself. If somethings else comes up, think about if you would change a prior arrangement for someone else? If not, then why would you change an arrangement for yourself.
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Put reminders on your phone to do something for yourself, sometimes we need to be told or reminded.
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Practice saying “no” to little things that don’t matter so much to someone you trust or saying “no” to yourself in the mirror, over time this will become easier and you will find yes becomes a choice not a default.
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Have some standard responses ready to go so that you can consider the request without pressure, e.g. “can I come back to you? I need to check my diary”.
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If you are saying “no” you don’t have to give a reason, but if this feels uncomfortable try coming up with a phrase that does feel more comfortable for you, e.g. “I’m afraid I don’t have capacity at the moment”, “I can’t this time but maybe another time”, “I can’t help with that, maybe there is someone else you could ask to help”.
If you need help prioritising your self-care or your needs, see if there are some tools you can use. I have started using a phone app called “Finch” which reminds me throughout the day to do little things like drinking water, doing a meditation or breathing exercise, or just reminding myself to notice the little joys in my day. It’s a lovely little app and it makes a difference to how I feel each day.
See here for the full Happiful articles: What is ‘super-helper syndrome’? / 4 ways being a ‘super-helper’ could be harming you
3) Crisis of control
Have you ever felt so out of control or overwhelmed that you don’t know where to turn? Try this activity to identify what is within your control and what is not. Carrying worries beyond your control is not helpful and releasing them can lift a weight from your shoulders.
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Make a list of all the things you are worried about
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Review and categorise your worries as to whether they are within your control or not
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If they are in your control, think about what action you can take to manage the worry
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If they are not in your control try to release them, they are not yours to hold.
4) 5 ways to diffuse a situation
There may be times when you find yourself in a situation where the conversation escalates and turns to conflict or an argument. If this sounds familiar, here are some suggestions of things you could try to diffuse the energy of the conversation and situation to restore calm and more helpful communication.
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Opposite energy – when things get heated it can be easy to start mirroring each other’s tone, volume and behaviour. Notice this and try to do the opposite, quieten your volume, speak in a calm tone, take a step back and use a more open less aggressive posture and see if the other person’s behaviour changes. It’s hard to argue when the other person won’t join in.
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Desired outcome – sometime communications can be misunderstood, rather than becoming defensive think about what outcome you are after and what the best way to resolve this is. Find a mutual solution that gets you on the same side, working together could mean less opportunity for conflict.
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Linguistics – think about what you are saying and how you are saying it. Speaking softly, choosing your words carefully, and being concise so your message doesn’t become overwhelming can help. Trying to avoid phrases that might sound like you are accusing the other person of something and avoiding confrontational hand gestures can help calm conversations from escalation. Try using open questions to include their point of view and make it feel more like a collaborative conversation. Being empathetic can also make the other person feel heard.
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Pick your Priorities – sometimes once things get heated multiple issues can arise, try to pick your battles. What are the priorities that you are trying to address and resolve? Try not to get side-tracked and find a way back to the priority issues that you are trying to discuss and resolve, the other issues can wait until another time. Maybe let them know you can address these other issues another time if the other person feels like they aren’t being heard.
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Feelings first – underlying emotions can differ from the words being used, try to think about what the other person is feeling and why they might be saying those words, is it because of fear, hurt, frustration, or something else? Acknowledging this can help to avoid getting caught up in harsh words or tones and allow you to let your sibling feel heard. Feeling listened to can make a really big difference to how someone communicates. Try to stay focussed on the conversation and the other person (not being distracted by other things in the room) and relay back key points to help them feel like you are with them in the conversation and that they are being heard.
Diffusing heated conversations is not easy and can take practice, if nothing else try not to get caught up in the argument, stay calm, step back if you need to and remember you are doing your best,
For the full article see Happiful Magazine issue 100 page 50.